Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Weeping May Stay For a Night, But Rejoicing Comes In the Morning

So, if you read my last post you know all about the rough day I had. The pain, the grief, the sorrow. As Ecclesiastes says, it was my time to weep. I don't apologize for the day, the feelings, the words. They were necessary for me. A part of the process. What is life if not a process?

But, as it says in Psalms, rejoicing comes in the morning. After my time to cry, the world did go on. Jameson woke up from his nap, I wiped my eyes, and we got in the car to 'go-go bye-bye.' We ran some errands and returned to the real world, the land of the living. Just the act of getting out, the decision to embrace a sunny day, started to turn things around. My thoughts became more positive, my mood lifted, my tears slowly lessened.

And, when morning came, rejoicing truly did reign! I had a great friend come to visit. The visit was already planned and arranged (I believe by God in His infinite wisdom who answered a prayer I hadn't even prayed yet.) She brought me smiles and laughter and distraction and fun. How can you not rejoice when you are given the precious gift of time with your oldest friend, day in and day out, for five days? It was beautiful. My perspective changed, my emotions gave way to rational thoughts, sound decisions, and prayer.

I miss my babies, but I am so thankful for the time I got to be excited for them, to plan for them, to anticipate them. I am grateful they are living with my God in heaven, where they never have to know the pain of this world. I am appreciative of the God who knew how I would suffer and made provisions to show me His mercy in the midst of it. And I am thankful for the love in my heart for those children, love I will know every day of my life.


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Life Goes On...But Sometimes It Doesn't Seem That Way

We've all heard the saying: 'Life goes on.' Deep down, I know it's true. But sometimes it sure doesn't feel like it.

Lately I feel like I am living the same days over and over again. There is grief and sadness, tears and tiredness. Then it seems like the dark cloud starts to lift, there is some laughter, lightheartedness, good times with family and friends. Then something triggers the sadness all over again. Big things, small things, seemingly insignificant things can suddenly trigger the emotions and the waterworks that go along with them. And I'm plunged back into the darkness.

This week has been the worst. Back in March I had to deal with a miscarriage. We lost our baby, and all the hopes and dreams and plans that had already been spinning in our minds. It was horrible, painful, devastating...there just are no words. In early May I had to go through the same experience again. Horrible yet again. But after some continuing complications, this week going through a D&C forced me to come face-to-face with two miscarriages at once. All the pain from both just overwhelmed me at this physical manifestation of all I have been going through. Sure the procedure had me tired, fatigued, achy, off schedule, you name it, but the reality is every little detail of my loss slammed me in the face and buried me in a mound of gloom.

And to be honest, today I didn't want to snap out of it. It felt fitting to slum around in my pajamas with dirty hair. Food had no appeal. The beautiful sunny day felt like a slap in the face. All I wanted to do was bury myself under the covers and cry. So I did, for awhile. There is a time to grieve. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose when that time is. We just have to take it as it comes. And comes. And comes. Over and over. And it's hard to believe that life does go on, because in those moments of devastation it feels like first moment I got the bad news all over again. Once again, like the first time, I see all my dreams and hopes and joy slipping through my fingers and I'm faced with the terrible, aching, lonely loss, this void in my soul. And empty arms.

(To be continued....)